Inspiration.

I think we should all try to be a little more like the Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger.  And possibly Randall.

How Far is Too Far?

I love cats. You might like cats. Sure, we are all fond of cats to some degree. But there has to be a line drawn somewhere, people. There has to be limits. There has to be a point at which you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I will not eat a cake that looks like used litterbox."

http://theverybestcats.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-birthday.html

But alas, it has been eaten.

Is That You, Cheesus?

Maybe it's because I'm not a religious person. Maybe it's because I eat so quickly I rarely take notice of what I'm putting in my mouth. Or maybe it's because I don't live in Texas anymore. (Wise move, Mom and Dad!) But I just can't understand the people who see Jesus in a bag of Cheetos like this couple from Dallas. Upon the "discovery", they decided to name the lucky Cheeto Cheesus. I don't know, you Crazy Texans. It looks more like the Hunchback of Notre Dame to me. And even if it were the real Cheesus, what do you think he's trying to say by appearing in a 99-cent bag of Cheetos? Maybe the Cheetos need salvation.

Naturally, like any Crazy Texan, the couple is planning on selling little Cheesus on eBay. What an interesting way to show your respect for JC -- trying to make a buck off of him.

The best part is that the husband was actually quoted to say: "Let's put this on eBay. How much do you think we should ask for it? It could be 25 cents, could be 25 dollars. If it's only 25 cents, we're just going to eat it."

A Near Death Experience

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The Coworker Conundrum

You work with them. You see them every day. You are forced to interact with them. Inevitably, things happen. Some coworkers develop crushes while others develop repulsion, they date or try to avoid dating, they break up or have awkward rejections, and then the next day they are forced to sit next to each other and type away at their computers like nothing ever happened. After all, HR would not approve of these unprofessional relationships.

So what are you to do when your twitching, middle-aged coworker asks you to name any day when you are free to get lunch with him? Should you say no to avoid a potentially awkward situation, or should you say yes to be "nice" and attempt to develop a friendship?

Well, if you are me, you are silly say yes, going against all better instinct.

When the dreaded day came, said coworker (let's call him Twitch) walked over to my cube and announces loudly that he is ready to take me to lunch.

It was the most painful hour of my life.

He suggested Mexican food, I said okay. Little did I know that was code for "Lets get Mexican food and take it to the beach so we can have a romantic lunch." Yes, folks, he got that food to go and we went to the beach. He produces a beach blanket from his trunk (How convenient! I didn't know I had this old thing in here!) and spreads it out on the sand. He lies down in the sand, I kid you not, like so:


as I huddled on the far corner of the blanket, wishing this terrible experience would end soon.

On the drive back, he sings along to love songs from a CD his neighbor made. "Have you heard of her before?" He asks me of his neighbor. "No, Twitch. I don't know your neighbor." In between lyrics, he tells me that I make him nervous as he twitches through a grin.

The next week, he emails me a Jeopardy question. Somehow, this message escaped the wrath of my DELETE key. It is as follows:

“Alex, I’ll take CarsDirect Jeopardy for 400”

“Answer: Yes”

“What would Mark say if he was offered a chance to have lunch with Roxy?”

“Correct.”

“Strange Shakespearian characters for 600”

“Answer:…”

I responded with an "I don't think so."

He hasn't bothered me since, and it is still unbelievably awkward between us.

So what was the point of this story, you ask?

I don't know. I'm still not sure I know how to deal with awkward coworker situations. But I have learned this much - whatever you do, the situation will never get any better.

How to catch a Cougar

Well, I wouldn't know how. But a bunch of guys in their 20's think they have what it takes to snag this (older) woman on TV Land's The Cougar. Yes, people, they have gone that far. So I was watching it last night after hanging out with Eyera for a little while (love you boo ;-) ) and was blown away by its quality. Or lack thereof, I should say. Now don't get me wrong - most of my waking hours are spent either watching reality TV or thinking about reality TV (Simon Van Kampen's black shiny jacket/red shiny pants combo on the RHONY finale anyone?)

But I feel like this dating show formula is trite. We get it - you need some kind of catch phrase, some indicator of whether or not you choose certain individuals, yadda yadda yadda. We've reached a point with this formula, however, where you can tell when people start running out of creativity. Let me share with you some gems from the whole 10 minutes I caught of the show.

Instead of a rose, or a large stopwatch, or a medallion to indicate that a contestant gets to remain on the show, The Cougar calls each stud up to her and demands him to kiss her. If he gets to stay, he lands a kiss on the lips. If he's out, he is rerouted to her cheek. Ouch.

As one of the challenges, the dudes were instructed to write a love song for The Cougar in under 30 minutes and then perform it for her in front of all the others. That was so painful to watch, I had to switch over to America's original reality TV show, America's Funniest Home Videos.

Finally, the winner of something or another was safe for some undetermined amount of time and (notice this is where my attention starts failing, until... wait for it...) they get to go into the Cougar Cave with her for the night and have some precious pillow talk! Cougar Cave! AKA.. her bedroom.

So if any of you have seen more than 10 minutes of the show, please feel free to fill me in on any other gems I may have left out.

In the meantime, I e-wag my finger at TV Land.

Something to stock up on for the Apocalypse

I've heard of canned chicken and it sounded gross. Then I heard about canned whole chicken, and I tried to not create a visual of that in my mind.

But today, my efforts proved to be in vain. All that hard work trying to not visualize something went out the window when I foolishly clicked on conspicuously vague link, much like this one.

I guess in the event of the Apocalypse, however, I could be persuaded into eating one. Can't be worse than... well I can't think of anything worse, actually.

Putting Race Issues Behind Us

If there is one thing I have learned about this world, it is that most people are nuts. They have their hearts in the right places, but they're nuts.

I came across this little gem of a commercial from some folks over in North Carolina. They are breaking racial barriers here people... while selling mattresses.

Also...

WTF is this!? I found it while looking for a link for The Truman Show for my previous post and I don't comprehend. Explain please.

Is It Okay To Taser A Naked Wizard..

at Coachella?

Apparently this happened last weekend. (Note: beware of watching it at work.. definitely some naked manness going on.)

A Warning to The General (Cookie Eating) Public

I never thought I would see this again.

I first came across these self proclaimed "Best Cookie in the World" in 2006 while waiting in line at Bigg Chill. The best cookie in the world? How bold it is to make a claim like that. It must be true. So of course, being the cookie lover that I am, I decided to dig deep in my pockets and fork over the $10 for these bad boys. I could hardly wait to rip that box open when I got home. On the drive home, I read about Bart's cookies on the box and was a little surprised at his recommendation for aeration prior to eating. Really, Bart? But of course, being the obedient consumer that I am, I aerated patiently. Once I was ready to begin devouring the cookies, I grabbed a handful and was extremely disappointed to find them overly browned (a euphemism, of course, for burned). I ate one anyway, and it tasted like crunchy mediocrity - a dehydrated, toasted Chips Ahoy, if you will. Ten dollars for this?!

Obviously, I wasn't going to let something like this slide. I took matters into my own hands and emailed Bart. Sadly, I couldn't locate our email exchange in my email archives, but I will summarize it for you here:

Roxy: Bart, your cookies sucked. Too crunchy. Overcooked. Me not happy.

Bart: Sorry Roxy. Probably got a bad batch. Let me send you a free box.

Roxy: I like free. Please do that. Thanks.

Surprise, surprise -Bart never followed through with his promise. I waited for months, checking my doorstep, every hour sometimes. But no cookies.

Years passed and eventually I moved on and forgot about Bart. I thought the past was behind me. But while walking through Whole Foods a couple days ago, I stopped dead in my tracks - there, staring me right in the face was Bart and his derisive little smirk. It's spreading. The cookies are spreading.

Don't fall for it, folks. Don't be fooled by the promising name and assuming price tag. You will be let down and you will feel hurt and you will feel taken advantage of. And if you go against my warnings and do try them anyway, please tell me everything.

The Poor Man's Craigslist

I came across this "ad" on Melrose while I was on a walk yesterday and I now have so many questions. None of the information listed on this flyer seems to be related to anything else.

So far we know:

1. He looks like LL Cool J
2. He wants to meet someone to help him "do things"
   
3. He likes to write the word "chess" over and over

Why would anyone respond to this ad? Who would enlist themselves to help this self proclaimed LL Cool J lookalike with some very ambiguous said chores?

Anyone want to try calling?

This Looks Illegal

And I bet if I was spotted whiffing this in the park I'd end up having to deal with a Mountie. (Well, I guess that last part would only happen if I were in Canada.)

But the sad part of that hypothetical story would be that my chocolate craving, which is usually quite enormous, wouldn't even be satisfied by this gadget.

What are your thoughts on it?

Whitney Wants

More pictures like this on my blog. So here you go, boo.

Office Gossips

For those of you who don't know, I work with a bunch of crazies. I sometimes wonder what the chances are that so many "unique" individuals have been concentrated here in this workspace. And then sometimes I wonder that perhaps this is what the general population is like. And in that case, the human species has truly disappointed me.

I digress.

So one of the ladies I work with showed up today wearing a face mask. Please see photo below.


I apologize for the poor photo quality, but I was trying to be discrete in my photo taking. When asked why she was sporting this new look, she informed me that the other day while she was talking to the coworker pictured in the upper left hand corner of the picture, he spit in her mouth.

So now she wears a face mask to work.

Just thought I'd share.

Violence Is Never The Solution

But sometimes I guess it's a pretty clear way to show how you really feel.

Yahoo news reported today that a man in Waco, TX was stabbed in a motel room by his companion.

Why, you ask?

The poor man was suffering from flatulence. Mr. Gassy was taking care of business on the toilet, when his "friend" threw a large knife at him, hitting him in the knee. As if that weren't enough punishment, he then stabbed him again in the chest. Eek!