Man Ban #6: The Caprenter Jort

If you are a dude, sporting jorts is like walking on very thin ice. It can be done, and it can be done gracefully, but you must do so with caution. In recent times, the male jort has made an impressive comeback as cut-offs in a slimmer fit, hitting just above the knee. As with most of my Man Bans, I can make some exceptions and that breed of jorts falls into that acceptably fashionable category.

So what kind of jorts are no good, you ask? I can tell you, hands down, the carpenter jort should be avoided like a dog with rabies. These are a relic from the early 1990's and somehow have not been completely eliminated from the "fashion" world. I use "fashion" loosely here. It appears the biggest offender and greatest perpetrator of the carpenter jort is Old Navy, offering the carpenter jort in both a light and a dark wash.

Guys, you don't need a hammer loop. Nor do you need a special ruler sized pocket or another special pocket for your paintbrush. You don't need hemming that gives you that oh-so-desirable pear shaped curve. There are so many other shorts to choose from. Heck, there are so many other jorts to choose from. Like I always advise in my Man Bans, keep it simple. Because really, why would you do this to yourself?

Just look at Canada. Do you really want to be Canada?

Man Ban #5: The Popped Collar

Looking preppy isn't about popping your collar. I know lots of guys out there go for that whole "preppy, just walked out of Yale, old money" look. Sorry to inform you, but popping the collar ain't the way to do it - it doesn't make you look rich or cool. It is, in fact, the international symbol for douchiness, just like crossing your hands around your neck is the universal sign for choking.


Furthermore, the more collars you pop at once (see photo above) only exponentially increases the degree of douchiness and must be avoided at all costs. Instead, relax those collars boys. Let them rest neatly and casually against your neck. Don't layer your polos - one per day is plenty.

Just for reference, the only time you should ever wear a popped collar is when you are in this commercial.

Man Ban Lesson #4: The Sock-Sandal Combo

You are all guilty of this one. Or at least you have been at some point in your life. Now I know sometimes you're wearing socks and you have to run outside to take the trash out, so you force your feet into some flip flops and hobble to the curb and back with a major toe wedgie. Okay. Sure, I can live with that. But when you sport this look out of the house, you have gone too far. See example below.
PICK ONE. You make hundreds of minor decisions every day - what to eat for breakfast, which way to get to work, what to watch on TV - why can't the "sock or sandal" decision be incorporated into your daily routine? A socked foot does not belong in a sandal. Put it in a boot or a sneaker or even a tap shoe if you like making an annoying sound when you walk. A naked foot, however, has the privilege to enjoy the liberating feel of a sandal.

I saw this with extreme reluctance, but under very specific circumstances is the sock sandal combo acceptable. When an athlete has finished his workout and wants to change out of his athletic shoes, I can turn my head when he slips into some non-thong sandals. Barely. See below for example.



But just remember, if you're ever not sure if it is an acceptable combo, I can tell you - it's not.

Man Ban Lesson #3: The Bad Pick Up Line

It shouldn't take lessons by the original Pick Up Artist stud, Mystery, to know a good pick up line from a bad one. In fact, I would like to believe that it's fairly basic.

This weekend, I experienced the worst pick up line of my life. A guy, comparable in looks to Kosmo, winner of season 1 of VH1's The Pick Up Artist (pictured above looking suave) approached me at Winston's, a bar that I happen to frequent. (New Yorker's: picture something along the lines of Royal Oak.) I was just hanging out with the girls, having a good time, when out of nowhere, Mr. D-Bag says to me, "So seeing as we're at Wintson's at all.... wanna f*ck?"

I'm sorry? Since when has this become an acceptable pick up line? I was offended and caught completely off guard. Has he mistaken Winston's for a whorehouse?

After giving this some thought, I decided it was imperative that I write a Man Ban on bad pick up lines. Guys, a pick up line like that will never work for you, unless you're okay with ending up with a few STD's at the end of a night. When in doubt, you can resort to some of the basic pillars of small talk: "Hello," "Do you come here often," or even "I can't feel my face." Pretty much anything would be superior.

Again, we must look to the PUA for some pointers here. (I'm telling you guys, he knows whats up.) Your best bet is to go for open ended questions or a question that sparks their interest. However, please avoid the example that was a little TOO popularized by Mystery: "Did you see the girls fighting outside?" It has become trite, and we girls see right through that one. (Others to avoid: "What movie is this from - 'No one puts baby in the corner?'" or "We just finished a caper") And please - avoid alluding to anything remotely sexual or we will see your underlying motives.

And if you really need some ideas, let me point you in this direction.

If any of you would like to share any bad pick up lines you have been subjected to, please do so!

Man Ban Lesson #2: "Fancy" Jeans

Welcome to the second installment of my Man Ban series. Allow me to introduce another common offense: The "Fancy" Jean. See above.

In the past few years I've seen more and more offenders of the "fancy" jean parading around town. How did this happen? Who is responsible for this atrocious fashion crime? (Antik Denim... consider this an e-wagging of my finger at you!)

Now, I know some of you will look to the astute and worldly Mystery, king of "peacocking," to defend this horrendous use of denim. Yes, Mystery believes that the more bling and pizazz one adds to his outfit, the more attention he will receive from the ladies. As always, Mystery is right. HOWEVER, I have found it very common for some poor, misguided fellows to misinterpret the teachings of Mystery. Bling should NOT be on your ass. Or your thigh. Or trailing down your denim pant leg. (As anyone who watched the Pickup Artist should know, the best kind of peacocking accessory is one that the target can interact with - a segway into Kino Escalation - such as a hat, a feather boa, or sunglasses.)

Rather, these jeans come across looking tacky and fobby. Just because they are Versace or cost a few Benjamins doesn't make you fashionable. It makes you look like a tool.


And yes, even an ornately embellished back pocket is a no-no.


Guys, just remember - when in doubt, stick with something simple as far as jeans go. Leave the peacockign to deserving accessories instead.

Man Ban Lesson #1: The Soul Patch

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce a new series that I affectionately call the Man Ban Series. In each lesson, I will introduce a faux pas common to the male species and suggest any possible remedies or improvements that can be made.

Men, I am here to help. I am on your side.

On to Lesson #1: The Soul Patch.


Soul Patch. Defined by Urban Dictionary as: "shit on the chin; pubes on the face" (please see definition #4)

Now fellas, I understand the instinctive, manly need to sprout hairs on your face wherever your manly little face allows. I know it makes you feel "macho."

However, I also know that soul patches are neither attractive, nor are they manly. Commonly referred to as "flavor savers," women find them disgusting and outdated, and quite frankly, most women won't even date a man sporting this pathetic excuse for stubble.

What are my alternatives, you ask?

Anything. Please, anything else is preferable.

The most obvious solution is to just shave the thing off. No one will miss it, except maybe you if you were somehow so mistaken as to think it added depth and dimension to your face. Trust me, it doesn't. Shave it, wax it, Nair it, whatever is at your most immediate convenience. Your mother will breathe a sigh of relief, and women will flock to you (at least more so than in the past, that is).

If you MUST sport facial hair but are unfortunate enough to not be able to grow any (Persians need not be concerned with this portion), may I suggest one one of these?